As the last unmarried Jewish woman of my generation, it is rather ironic that I teach couples how to grow intimacy.

For those that are unfamiliar with my story, don’t assume that just because my yiddish-titled cooking school - Meal and a Spiel - is based in solid Jewish values - namely education and Tikkun Olam - that my trajectory has been what my parents hoped for me at my bat-mitzvah.

While the rest of my age group was building careers and even beginning to get married, I was living in Italy hopelessly in love with a sparkly-eyed, unemployed poet. A job in a local Roman jazz club was attended to, but basically lovemaking and food is what I did all day. A fair amount of wine was involved too.

Mornings (sometime between noon and 2pm) I walked some 200 meters down cobblestone streets to the nearest outdoor market (they are all over the city) and would spend a few thousand lire (maybe four bucks) to pick up some fresh produce and a half loaf of bread. The rest of the day involved connecting, cooking and eating with the Roman wordsmith. It is considered impolite to ask people about their careers in Rome, so I never felt like a failure just because I spent more time supine than climbing the ladder. I was happy. Was there something else I was supposed to achieve?

In the United States it’s hard to find a man who is even moderately comfortable in the kitchen. Even if I were to switch teams and start dating women, I wouldn’t have much better luck.

There is an already enormous disconnect between food and cooking in our society- so clearly the distance between romance and cooking is even more extreme. Date nights are relegated to restaurants and the romantic gestures of dressing sexy, pulling out a chair and paying the bill are all expected tokens.

On the other hand, the possibilities for spontaneous romantic gestures in the privacy of your own kitchen are endless. A lean into your partner’s side to see what he or she is working on. A soft kiss on the neck. An unexpected pinch of the tuchus. A shared inhale of a bubbling aroma. Pouring wine with a glance to the eyes that says I love you, you sexy thing. The mystery spun by the uncertainty of the meal. A victory kiss on the way to the table.

Before teaching my first ever couples’ Date Night Cooking Class, I presented a poll to women on facebook. It was made clear through the sign-up process that in the case of all 6 couples, the women were dragging their men in. One didn’t even tell her husband where he was going so he wouldn’t have a chance to refuse. I needed to better understand the specific results these women were trying to get out of their men in the kitchen. I suspected that I knew the answer, but I wanted to have concrete evidence to inspire the men that Saturday evening.

The question posed to the masses on facebook was as follows.

Ladies, which of the following situations would most inspire you to “be romantic” with your man?

  1. You cook and he cleans as you cook.
  2. He cooks for you (and it’s good).
  3. He cleans up right after dinner.
  4. You cook together and he tells you that you are beautiful as you chop.
  5. None of this matters.

As you can now guess, D was by far the most selected. That is because romantic women imagine that cooking with their man will be what I just described above. And it so easily can be. It’s just a question of both parties feeling equal ownership of the kitchen.

That’s where I step in.

At the beginning of every couples’ cooking class I present the findings of this study to the group. The reactions of the men are humorously predictable. They look over to their wives to check in and see if it is true. Inevitably the wives give a coy nod. Then the men sit up straight on their stools and eagerly accept any tasks I hand out!!

Something else happens too. The men get playful. The trepidation they walked into the kitchen with disappears and the sexy jokesters come out to swagger. They know that I am on their side. They are in a safe space where they are needed and in a situation where they are already winning. They are in the company of brothers who all hope to be on the winning team at the end of the night and so the camaraderie that develops between them throughout the class is both filled with testosterone and a sweet inclusive attention towards the women.

As a result, the women get girly.

“It’s no longer a chore,” one female student speaks of her experiences in my couples’ classes. “It brings humor and lightness to cooking and it becomes fun. It gives me the confidence to welcome my husband into the kitchen and I gain more acceptance of his weaknesses and limitations in this arena. To prepare and eat delicious food together…it’s super romantic! It’s important. It creates connection.”

The job of a cooking teacher is similar to that of an alchemist. It not only requires the perfect pairing, mixing and matching of uniquely different spices and foods, it also requires the playful and harmonious pairing, mixing and matching of energies between uniquely different people. Then you have to connect the spices to the people and then they must connect those spices to the food. When I am giggling in class at my own silly self-deprecating jokes to loosen the fear many have around cooking, I am working!

The goal is to create a complete sensual experience in which every student gets to feel into at least one extended moment when all of his/her senses are in use. Sight. Smell. Touch. Taste. Sound. In this complete sensory integration the mind quells and neurosis abates. This is why some of us cook to relax. We cannot help but become servants to the heart and to the body. What a perfect atmosphere for romance-building.

“It gave us a common language for cooking together,” remarks Caitlin Cohen, a regular cooking student who brought her husband Matthew to my first ever Date Night Cooking Class in 2011. “Having had that shared experience in class set a precedent for us. It took out all of the potentially stressful elements of our first time cooking together and showed us how much fun we can have- and still do- making food.”

In couple’s classes much of my attention is dedicated to the men. I treat them like the guests of honor. Many of their wives/girlfriends come to me routinely for cooking classes and this is my chance to change their- the women’s!- experience of cooking. If I can successfully convince the guys to participate in the kitchen for romantic purposes, then I can successfully change these women’s inner motivations to cook.

The mission of Meal and a Spiel is to inspire the career-girl, feminist generations to add healing to the planet through love-infused food. This can’t be achieved if cooking is no more than an intellectually-powered, recipe-following, chore-driven activity. I teach my students to open up to the heart-based intuitive source that the Italian women I learned to cook from access every time they make a meal. To have my students get even bigger crushes on their men while in the kitchen takes them there automatically.

Thus I create an evening that will turn the guys into heroes. I put steak on the menu and the men are the designated grill masters. They are given explicit instructions to cook it on the grill pan for five minutes a side and then the women are taken out of the kitchen. The men are left in charge of the main course of the meal and even those with no bbq experience feel empowered. There’s nothing like trust and making meat to swell the virility in a pack of males.

I lead the women into the garden where they can experience an important element of their femininity- aesthetic beauty. When roses are in season, they are given flashlights and scissors to cut flowers for the table. I show them how to create a rustic Tuscan tablescape from crumpled paper grocery bags and a sea of candles. It’s important that the beauty we create is handmade and earthy- not store bought and fancy- as the romance I’m trying to inspire in these couples must incorporate all of the senses and that includes, first and foremost, the tactile.

It’s cute for me to watch what ensues, without failure, every time. As soon as the women have finished embellishing the table, they run like a flock of giggling geese into the kitchen to be with their men who are finishing the meal. And when the men bring the food into the backyard and see the atmosphere the women have created, their breaths stop.

“I get to see how appreciative I am of her through a different lens,” says one husband that has attended two couples’ classes. “ I think it makes my wife happy to share the experience with me. Happy wife, happy life. “

Last February, I got a phone call from Benjamin S. asking me to fit him into my sold out Valentines Day Couples’ Class. I said I could not until he revealed that he was going to be in town from New York to propose to his girlfriend. He wanted to take her to my class immediately afterwards. How could I say no? As I sat down to write this article, Benjamin called me out of the blue to create another couple’s night with his now wife and friends. “What did that class do for you?” I asked him.

“Look,” he responded truthfully. “My wife does most of the cooking but I got an understanding of how I can help her in the kitchen. It brings us closer. It’s romantic. I always pour us a glass of wine and it takes me away from my work thoughts. And of course, every time we cook together it brings up our class with you, the night we got engaged.” I am pretty sure these two will cook together for a lifetime.

Creating a successful cooking date night is not brain surgery. It only requires a desire to try something new with the person you love. Here are my top eight rules to follow in order to cook up a night of romance in the kitchen!

1. Create a time to cook together with the intention of romance. Don’t expect romance will ensue just because you are both cooking in the kitchen at the same time. One person might have work, children, or other valid obligations on their mental plate.

2. Let the dishes pile up. Concern about cleaning up should not prevent you from experiencing the romantic sensuality of co-cooking. Hire someone to clean in the morning. At the very least make a plan before even going to the market as to who will do the dishes the next day. Can’t go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink? Seek therapy! Getting messy is an ingredient for passion.

3. Dont be bossy: Nothing can kill romantic energy like a control freak. This is not an opportunity to turn your partner into your personal sous chef. It’s about collaboration on equal footing. Most likely one person in the partnership will have more cooking experience than the other.Tenderly show the less-seasoned cook how to chop the tomatoes and then trust them to carry out the task. Hold their hand and hug them as they season the stir-fry and playfully squeeze tight if they are overdoing it. Better to mess a meal up and laugh about it, then have to follow one person’s inflexible notion of perfection.

4. Don’t Burn the Food. Keep track of timing. It is not romantic to bend a woman over your knee and kiss her deeply in a crucial moment when the seabass could overcook. She will not be able to give herself over to you completely because her mind will be focused, as it should be, on making sure the food is as good as her kisses. Women, same goes for you. Respect the task at hand that your man is working on. Honoring the food means honoring your partner.

5. Active Non-Participation IS Participation: One partner might not have any interest in the cooking process itself. That does not mean that the other is destined to a lifetime of lone cooking and cannot experience the romantic possibilities that co-cooking offers. Participate by keeping your partner company. Stay in conversation. Pour wine. Offer gentle affection. Sprinkle on whispered compliments. Turn off your phone and be present in every way even if your hands never touch a knife or an onion.

6. Focus on agreeing: It is inevitable that at least one time during the cooking process you will disagree on the amount of olive oil to use (fyi, more is usually better says teacher Elana) or at what temperature to roast the vegetables. One will think 350, the other 475. Guess what? Who cares?! Romance is not about the end result, it’s about being open to the whimsy of the process. Ladies, let him explain- without interrupting- why he believes the lower temperature will be more suitable. Guys, let her explain why she leans towards the higher temperature-honoring her opinion even if you adamantly disagree. Then find a compromise quickly and let it go. The result will be a reflection of your collaboration so be happy with it just as it is!

7. Get out of your head: Romance, like cooking, is not a cerebral endeavor. It is a culmination of the senses. A letting go. Play music. Feel the groove. Smell the food. Admire the colors. Use your hands as much as possible to sprinkle and mix in seasonings. Lick your fingers. Taste everything along the way. These are the ingredients that turn cooking into a sensual experience. Utilize them.

8. Don’t overeat. Keep the meal relatively light. The romance will be killed the moment one of you starts kvetching about bloating or heartburn.